


Cuz Baby, We're Cooler Than Ice

by postboxinheaven



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Skating, Alternate Universe - Sports, Light Angst, M/M, Skating, a lot of feelings, another skating au, baekhyun is just misunderstood, perpetually confused jongdae, ten is the best part of this fic i love him, this one is actually about skating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postboxinheaven/pseuds/postboxinheaven
Summary: Jongdae he thought he was ready for anything when he came to Vancouver, but he was wrong. He was definitely not ready to fall in love.





	Cuz Baby, We're Cooler Than Ice

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you obsessively follow 2018 Olympics and then watch Yuri on Ice right after to cope with your withdrawals. This doesn’t follow the way the ISU works at all, other than a loose adaptation of the scoring system. Huge huge heavy thanks to baileyisbest and grungusmungus for getting me through writing this. What I would do without them, really, I don’t know. 
> 
> Warning(s): Description and mention of panic attacks

“Stop,” Jongdae grits out. “Just stop. I don’t need this right now. Get out.”

Jongdae is hunched over himself in the locker rooms. He feels a hand lightly rest upon his shaking shoulders and flinches intentionally. The warmth of the hand is gone immediately.

“Jongdae, please.”

A part of him wants to give in. Wants to turn around and look at the other straight in the eye. Say that he’s ready to get back on his feet and show the world the athlete he truly is.

But the other part of him is scared. It is shaking in the fear of never being good enough. The fear that his heart is too weak for this cruel sport. The part of him that has hardened over time, because you can only fall down so many times before your will to get back up is crushed.

His fear wins. It’s been winning for the last year. He gives in for the thousandth time.

“Junmyeon, get out. I won’t say it again.”

Junmyeon sighs behind him. Jongdae holds his breath until he can’t hear the sound of retracting footsteps. With Junmyeon gone, the locker room is eerily silent. Jongdae is alone and he hates it.

Jongdae is alone and he doesn’t know the way out.

 

  
-

 

“Under-rotated, do it again,” Jongdae’s coach calls out monotonously.

Jongdae nods stiffly and tries again, gaining momentum and launching himself off the ice.

  
Under-rotated. Jongdae knows it even before his blade touches the ice again. Before he hears the-

“Under-rotated, Jongdae are you even listening to a word I say, or are you too busy pouting at the ground?” Jongdae’s coach raises his voice.

The ice shakes under Jongdae’s skates. If he didn’t know better he’d think he was in the middle of an earthquake.

“I need five,” Jongdae shouts out and skates away. He can hear his coach let out a groan of frustration in response, but he doesn’t push it.

The telltale signs appear. His vision blurs and even a taking short breath requires the entirety of his waning concentration. He crouches down, focusing on inhaling and exhaling evenly. None of the other skaters on the rink are likely surprised. For the last few months this has been happening at least once a day.

Junmyeon is next to him in an instant, murmuring phrases of comfort at him. If Jongdae was a nice person, he would admit that Junmyeon’s voice is magical. There was a quality of delicateness that always had the ability to pull Jongdae out of the dark, even if only a little.

Jongdae is not a nice person, however, so he will never admit it. He glares up at Junmyeon with his brows furrowed together. Jongdae doesn’t have to say the words for Junmyeon to hear them loud and clear. _Go away._

Junmyeon is not an idiot, so he stays. Junmyeon is probably the only person in the entire world that knows how to deal with Jongdae, even when he’s at his worst. It’s the benefit of knowing someone since the day they were born. Or the curse. Junmyeon still hasn’t decided where he stands on that.

“We have to go,” Junmyeon stares at Jongdae intently.

Jongdae glances up in confusion. “What? It’s only noon, I have practice for another four hours.”

“Mom needs us home. Get up, we have to go.” Junmyeon pulls out his big brother voice. The one that Jongdae can’t argue against no matter how hard he tries. Jongdae’s brows knit farther together in concern. The mention of their mother is enough to get Jongdae quickly following Junmyeon off the ice rink.

Junmyeon knew it would work.

Jongdae asks after packing up his things quickly. He follows Junmyeon to his banged up second-hand Jeep. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Junmyeon simply nods in response.

Jongdae frowns. The minute the car starts moving, he can tell something is off. He turns to his let to study his older brother’s face. Jongdae can read his brother from the smallest quirk of his eyebrow.

“Where are you taking me?” Jongdae demands. “You lied didn’t you, Mom didn’t ask for anything.”

“It’s a surprise,” Junmyeon laughs. With each second that ticks by, Jongdae gets angrier. The anxiety builds. He needs to be practicing, and every second that he wastes on his brother’s antics are hurting the already dwindling chance he has to make something out of his career.

“Turn around,” Jongdae yells. Is he yelling? Even to his own ears his voice sounds hysterical and out of breath. Jongdae squeezes his eyes and reminds himself to breathe.

Junmyeon ignores him. Of course he does. If Jongdae was his brother, he would ignore himself too.

Jongdae keeps his eyes shut for the remainder of the car ride. He would sleep, but sleeping has been hard lately.

Jongdae feels the car slowing to a stop. Junmyeon cuts the engine as Jongdae pries his eyes open. They’re at the beach. It’s a secluded one that their parents used to take them to when they were younger.

Jongdae used to come here all the time with Junmyeon and the rest of their friends. Long before his career took off and he could no longer spare any time. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since he’s spent time with any of his friends. They had tried to keep in touch with him, but slowly gave up when they realized that Jongdae wasn’t planning on responding.

“This is an intervention,” Junmyeon states plainly. Jongdae can hear a hint of a smile in his voice. It comforts him.

“Actually, I think this is a beach,” Jongdae finally glances to his left to meet his brother’s gaze. He should have seen this coming, but he was too lost in his head. Jongdae lets out a deep sigh. “Let’s do this outside? I could use some fresh air anyways.”

Jongdae flings the passenger’s seat door open harder than he intends to and it makes a noise of protest. He hears Junmyeon wincing in the background. A small smile appears on Jongdae’s face and it surprises him a little. It’s an unfamiliar feeling on his face for the corners of his mouth to be pulled up instead of down.

“Is that a smile I see?” Junmyeon exclaims. The surprise in his voice is genuine. “The minute I get you out of that damn rink and you start smiling. I should have done this ages ago.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes and makes his way down the sandy pathway to the shoreline. The ghost of his smile is still on his face. The sound of the waves calm him almost instantly and Jongdae finds his feet speeding up on their own accord to get to the water.  The beach has always been Jongdae’s favorite place on earth. It’s a bit of a contradiction, really, that he ended up choosing a career that put him inside on a cold block of ice for most of the day.

Junmyeon is close enough behind him, so Jongdae calls back to him. “So, intervention? Get on with it.”

“What’s going on Dae?” Junmyeon prods, catching up. “You need to talk to me, and I knew I needed to get you away from the rink for you to do it.”

“I’m not landing my jumps,” Jongdae shouts in frustration. He’s not even shouting at his brother, he’s shouting at himself in disappointment. “How am I supposed to compete with anyone in the senior division if I’m under-rotating every goddamn quad attempt. I haven’t landed a clean quad in weeks.

“The worst part is that I know I can do it. I’ve done it all before. I just don’t know where it went.”

Junmyeon is silent. He’s analyzing every single one of Jongdae’s words. Jongdae can almost hear the gears turning in his brother’s head.

“I know you’re going to say I need a break, but I just can’t.” Jongdae keeps going. “Not doing anything to fix this would probably drive me even crazier.”

“That’s actually not what I’m going to say.”

Jongdae raises his eyebrows.

“What you need is to get out of that rink. Forever,” Junmyeon states matter-of-factly. Like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like Jongdae’s entire professional skating career doesn’t revolve around that ice rink.

“Jun, I’m not quitting,” Jongdae almost laughs.

“I’m not telling you to quit,” Junmyeon repeats. “I’m telling you to get out of that rink. Not all of the rinks in the world, just _that_ one.”

“What are you trying to say?” Jongdae’s face scrunches up in confusion.

“It’s sucking the life out of you Dae,” Junmyeon sighs. “You hate your coach and he’s not doing anything helpful for you. You’ve had more panic attacks in the last two months than the whole year before that combined.

“I’m not telling you to escape your problems but something needs to change if you want to start moving forward again.”

“And what do you suggest?” Jongdae is incredulous.

“Vancouver.”

Jongdae’s jaw drops. It’s official, his brother is crazy. “Okay that’s enough joking around, I need to go back and practice.”

“I’ve spoken to Yulia Koronova, and she’s willing to take you on,” Junmyeon shouts as Jongdae turns his back and starts walking away.

Jongdae freezes for a moment and spins back around.

“Yulia Koronova? Three time World Champion and two time Olympic medalist Yulia Koronova?” Jongdae doesn’t believe a word of it. “This has been fun and all, but if you thought practical jokes would lift my mood, you were wrong.”

This isn’t real. This can’t be real.

“I’m not joking, Jongdae. We’re going to Vancouver.” There’s a smile appearing on Junmyeon’s face. It’s the excited kind that comes out when he can’t contain his emotions. “Well, only if you want to, of course.”

Junmyeon isn’t lying. Jongdae knows his brother better than anyone else in the world does, so he knows that Junmyeon isn’t lying.

“How the fuck did you pull that off?” Jongdae shrieks. Junmyeon comes over and slings and arm over Jongdae’s shoulder.

“I’d do anything for you, little guy.” Junmyeon reaches up to ruffle his little brother’s hair while Jongdae squawks indignantly.

“Wait a minute, we can’t just up and _move_ to Vancouver Jun,” Jongdae’s reason starts returning to him. “What about coaching fees? Are you coming with me? What about your job? What did Mom say? How are we going to-”

“Shut up and I’ll explain everything to you.” Junmyeon rolls his eyes and lightly slaps Jongdae’s shoulder. His little brother’s mouth snaps shut faster than he’s ever seen it before.

It’s quite refreshing if Junmyeon has to be honest.

  
  
-

 

Jongdae takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders as he walks into a place he can call his second home. He spent most of his life practicing in this building, pushing himself harder and harder in an effort to become the best. As much as he’s come to hate everything about it in the last couple of years, he does have some good memories of the rink. That’s what’s making it harder for him to do what he’s about to do.

As he walks in, members of the staff smile and greet him. Most of the people who work here have known him since he was six years old. Back when he was a lot less disillusioned with the world.

He nods in response, mostly keeping his head down. Ever since Jongdae became the two time National Champion in the junior division, there’s definitely been a spike in business at the rink. He can’t help but feel a little guilty for abandoning it.

“Hey Luna, do you know where Coach Parks is?” Jongdae asks when he reaches the reception desk. Jongdae had skated with Luna for as long as he can remember, until she took a nasty fall last year and hurt her knee. She could have rehabbed and returned to the sport, but six months off the ice can mean the end of your career in the skating world. For Luna it did.

Luna was the last of his friends at the rink that made it as far as he did. When she left, the loneliness started feeling more daunting than before. At least she still worked at the rink part time, so unlike the rest of his friends, he got the chance to speak to her every now and then.

“His office.” Luna looks him up and down and raises her eyebrows. “Jeans and a flannel? I haven’t seen you dress like that since we graduated last year. Not practicing today?”

“Not today. I actually have some,” Jongdae pauses, looking for the right words to say. “News?”

“What news?” Luna looks a little apprehensive. “You’re not quitting are you? I know you’ve been going through a bit of a slump but-”

“I’m not quitting, calm down.” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “I’m just...leaving.”

“Well finally,” Luna exhales. “I thought it would take you another year of silent suffering to realize that you had to get out of this place. Dammit, now I owe Krystal and Sehun twenty dollars each. They apparently had more faith in you.”

“You guys _still_ make bets on my life?” Jongdae sighs. The four of them had been doing that since their early days at the rink. Would Jongdae choke at nationals this year? Is Jongdae _actually_ going to ask that cute hockey player out?

  
Jongdae stopped asking after a while and resigned to just watch them trade cash in amusement.

“Anyways, I’m glad for you. It took you long enough,” Luna smiles. “This place is no good for a professional skater. We don’t have the resources or experience to house talent like you. It’s a miracle you and I made it as far as we did with what we have here.”

“You’re right. I guess I was a little too lost in my self inflicted misery to see that.” Jongdae shrugs with a small smile on his face.

With the level of talent he had, Jongdae never really needed more than what the rink had to offer. It wasn’t until he graduated into the senior division and things stopped being so easy. It took Junmyeon sitting him down and explaining it to him before Jongdae realized it was time to move on.

“You never let anyone talk to you or help you,” Luna frowns at him. “Thank god you have Junmyeon.”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Jongdae chuckles. “Any advice on how to break it to Parks?”

“No idea,” Luna laughs. “But good luck. He’s losing the last star skater on his roster, he’s not going to be to happy.”

Jongdae figured as much.

“He probably sees it coming though,” Luna reassures him. “So it won’t be too much of a surprise. Honestly, everyone saw it coming. Except you, of course.”

Jongdae scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Alright, I’m going in. Hopefully I make it out alive.”

“I’m off work in ten, let’s go get ice cream after. I’ll tell the others.”

Jongdae nods in response and begins his way towards Coach Parks office.

He knocks twice and enters, taking a deep breath and hoping for the best.

  
  
-

 

 

“I could hear him yelling all the way from the reception desk.” Luna’s eyes are wide, still in shock. Krystal and Sehun snicker. When Jongdae glares at them, they just start full on laughing.

“I wish I was there,” Krystal manages to choke out in between laughs.

“Man, you should have recorded it Luna. I almost forgot what angry Parks sounds like, it’s been so long,” Sehun says while he shovels ice cream into his mouth. Jongdae wonders whether it’s worth telling him to talk after he chews, but decides against it. Sehun, despite being 18 and a senior in high school, was still in his rebellious pre-teen phase. The chances of him listening to Jongdae’s nagging were extremely low.

“At least it’s over.” Jongdae pokes at the scoop of chocolate sitting on the table in front of him. He still feels a little residual guilt.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Dae. It’s not a good look,” Krystal sighs. “Go to Vancouver and make our town proud.”

“The rink will get ten times more popular if you finally start podiuming internationally,” Luna says matter-of-factly. Jongdae supposes this is true.

“Anyways, this is perfect, I can visit you all the time if you’re in Vancouver. If you’re willing to actually see my face, of course,” Sehun smiles. He would be starting college in Seattle next year, putting him only three hours away from Jongdae.

“We all know you’d really be going to see Junmyeon,” Luna winks. Sehun turns an ugly shade of red.

“Shut up, no I wouldn’t,” Sehun protests to three knowing smiles. It’s no secret that Sehun has had a giant crush on Jongdae’s older brother for years. The younger boy has been trying to get Junmyeon to see him as an adult for a while now. It hasn’t worked.

“Maybe if you stopped acting like a 12 year old going through puberty all the time, he’d take you seriously,” Krystal intones. Jongdae forgot how much he loves having Krystal around.

As Jongdae looks around at his friends bickering with each other, his smile widens. He’s really missed this.

“Are you okay,” Luna shakes him out of his thoughts. “You look kinda creepy, I haven’t seen you smile that big in months.”

“Nothing, I’ll just miss you guys.”

“Says the guy who’s been completely ignoring us for the last 8 months at least,” Krystal smirks. “The only reason I know you’re alive is because Luna gives me updates. And because Sehun goes to the rink to stalk your older brother every week.”

The bickering starts again and Jongdae watches it unfold in front of him. He’s barely left this town during the 19 years that he’s lived here. The people around him, despite the fact that he barely sees them, are family to him.

He feels Luna rest her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry Dae,” She murmurs quietly. Krystal and Sehun continue to fight across the table. “I know it’s scary to leave this place, but we’ll be with you the whole way. Even if we can’t be right next to you.”

“I wish you were coming with,” Jongdae smiles down at his best friend. He never imagined taking the next step in his career without her by his side.

“Well, that makes two of us,” Luna laughs and wraps her arms around him.

Jongdae really is going to miss this.

 

  
-

 

Jongdae manages to shove the last of their bags into the trunk of Junmyeon’s Jeep. When he slams the trunk closed, the car rattles a little. They’re driving all the way up to Vancouver, which means they have a 10 hour trip ahead of them. Jongdae has his fingers crossed that the car makes it all the way.

Jongdae turns around to see his parents smiling at him fondly. His mom opens her arms wide wide and Jongdae falls into them, giving her a tight hug.

“Make sure you eat well,” his mom starts the lecture. “If you have an issue, just call. We’re not too far away, so we can come visit whenever if you’re feeling homesick, alright?”

“Of course, Mom.” Jongdae’s voice wavers a little. He won’t cry though. His mom doesn’t need another reason to worry.

Jongdae turns to his dad and gives him a hug as well.

“I’m proud of you, Jongdae,” His dad’s deep voice soothes him, just like Junmyeon’s does. Perhaps it runs in the family.

“Thanks Dad,” Jongdae pulls away and grins at them. “I’ll be okay, I promise. Even if I don’t take care of myself, I always have Jun to do it for me.”

“Hey, stop taking advantage of me,” Junmyeon complains with a smile on his face. He comes over to give their parents a hug as well.

Before Jongdae knows it, he’s sitting in the passenger's seat of the car, driving away from the only home he’s ever known.

Jongdae doesn’t know what the future holds, but whatever is waiting for him in Vancouver, he’s ready for it.

  
  
-

 

Jongdae feels like it’s his first day of school when he walks into his new rink in Vancouver.

He had gotten the chance to meet his new coach last week, somehow managing to not fanboy too much. Yulia Koronova had been a huge role model in his life since he was younger, and he still can’t wrap his head around the fact that she was willing to coach him. He was already feeling more confident after having an individual training session with her, and she seems determined to whip him up into shape by the time the next competitive season rolls around.

She was a sweet but strict lady, and it was refreshing to Jongdae to be around someone who was able to keep a level head when he made mistakes. After years of getting yelled at by Coach Parks, it’s a welcome and necessary change of pace.

“You have the talent, Jongdae Kim,” Yulia had said. “We just need to put it to good use.”

Today would be his first time meeting the other kids as training mates. He had met most of the others during international juniors competitions, but never made it much past formal introductions all but one of them. Jongdae stuck to his American friends like glue, and was too shy to venture out and make new ones. It was pretty uncommon for Team USA skaters to come up to Canada for training, so he’d be the only American there.

As he walks into the locker room, he spots one of his six training mates, Samuel Arredondo. The sixteen year old used to compete with Team USA, but took his father's Spanish nationality to escape the intense pressure of competition in American skating. If Jongdae hadn’t performed so well in the American juniors division, he might have considered doing the same thing.

Jongdae knows him pretty well, and it’s nice to see a familiar face around. Samuel texted him a week ago, the minute he caught news of Jongdae joining him in Vancouver, and they’d been talking ever since.

“Jongdae!” Samuel shoves his things into a locker and bounds up to him. Jongdae suddenly finds himself enveloped in a tight hug.

“Sam, I see you’re doing well,” Jongdae chuckles and returns the hug. Samuel had grown a lot taller since he’d last seen him. The boy was towering over him now.

“I’m glad you’re here. I missed you so much,” Samuel pouts.

“That’s your own fault for not coming to training camp in LA anymore,” Jongdae teases. “So, I’m the new kid here. Tell me what I need to know.”

“Everyone’s pretty chill for the most part,” Samuel begins as he follows Jongdae to his locker. “They just kinda keep to themselves. Just like you, actually.”

“Hey, I’m just an introvert,” Jongdae whines.

“I never said it was a bad thing,” Samuel laughs. “Ten is super easy to get along with though. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

“I think I know what you mean,” Jongdae has seen the Thai skater running around, playing pranks and vlogging at competitions. Ten always seemed like a pretty cool guy, and he’s a fan favorite no matter where he’s competing.

“What about the rest of them?”

“Well Sana is super shy, so I haven’t talked to her as much, but I can tell she’s really sweet,” Samuel shares. “And Somi is my age so we get along pretty well.

“Then I guess there’s Baekhyun and Luhan,” Samuel shrugs. “But you know what they’re like. They’re not mean or anything, they just kind of keep to themselves.”

Jongdae scoffs. If ‘keep to themselves’ was a synonym for exclusive, the description fit the two older skaters perfectly. Jongdae has never really spoken to them before, but they were two of the top skaters in the world at the moment. Along with their friends Minseok and Kyungsoo, they made up a pretty exclusive group, and it was clear that no one else was invited. The four of them along with the rising Prince of Skating Yuta Nakamoto made up the group of Jongdae’s biggest obstacles to reaching the top.

Frankly, Jongdae was pretty apprehensive about training with those two. He had consistently outperformed them during his junior division days, but failed to gain momentum after he crossed over to seniors. In the last two years, Luhan and Baekhyun have seen enough train-wreck performances from Jongdae. He wouldn’t be surprised if the other two had completely written Jongdae off as a threat. Especially given the fact that they podium at almost every international competition.

“You look kind of nervous,” Samuel teases. “I know they might be scarier to you than they are to the rest of us, but at the end of the day they’re just two idiots with their heads stuck up their asses.”

“Those idiots are considered two of the best  skaters in the world,” Jongdae reminds him. “Anyways, since when are you allowed to use language like that.”

Junmyeon must be rubbing off on Jongdae, because he feels the instinctive big brother inside him kicking in.

“Come on Dae, I’m 16 now,” Samuel pouts. “Look how much taller I am than you.”

“Shut up.” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “Let’s get out there.”

By the time they make it out onto the ice, Ten and Sana are already out warming up. Jongdae bows stiffly at Sana, who returns the favor while Samuel teases him for being awkward. Ten waves them over with a smile, so they join him. He’s only a couple months younger than Jongdae, and it’s nice to have someone around his age to train with again.

“Welcome to Vancouver, Jongdae,” Ten greets enthusiastically. “Are you ready to be best friends?”

It is in this moment that Jongdae realizes that he doesn’t know how to talk to people. He opens his mouth to say something witty in response, but nothing comes out.

“Jongdae is a little shy, give him some time,” Samuel chuckles.

“Oh I know,” Ten muses. “I asked him to be in one of my vlogs last year and the look of horror on his face was priceless. He ran away before I could get another word in.”

Sadly, Jongdae remembers that moment pretty vividly.

“You caught me by surprise, okay!” Jongdae attempts to redeem himself while the other two just continue to laugh at him.

He is saved when Somi skates up to them, dragging Sana along.

“Hi, I’m Somi, nice to meet you.” Somi holds her hand out and Jongdae shakes it, smiling. “Samuel, you must be excited that your idol is here to train with you. I swear he never stops talking about you Jongdae.”

“If you’re trying to embarrass me, it’s not going to work. Jongdae knows how much I love him.” Samuel says as he drapes himself over Jongdae in a half-hug.

“This is Sana,” Ten introduces the shy Japanese skater. “She’s more shy than you are.”

“I wonder how long it’ll take them to talk to each other,” Somi wonders aloud.

“Ten dollars that it’ll take them two months,” Samuel pipes.

“I’ll put ten dollars on one month, Jongdae isn’t _that_ bad,” Ten counters. The two of them turn to Somi expectantly.

“Leave me out of this, I spent too much at Sephora this weekend to be betting.”

Sana giggles at this. “She really did, I was there.”

“Are you guys seriously running bets on me already?” Jongdae asks incredulously. Most of these kids were at least three years younger than him, but they had no trouble teasing him already. Maybe Vancouver wouldn’t be too much different than home after all.

As they continue to warm up and joke around, Luhan and Baekhyun arrive and skate over to the opposite end of the rink without as much of a glance.

“Are they always like that?” Jongdae frowns.

“Yeah, I didn’t speak a word to either of them until about two months after I started training,” Somi huffs. “They barely even said hi to me the first day I started here.”

“Well, it doesn’t look like they intend to say hi to me at all.”

“Don’t mind them Jongdae.” Jongdae can hear the annoyance in Ten’s voice.  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Jongdae reassures him.

Yulia shows up a few minutes later and gathers them around.

“Everyone, I’m sure you’ve met Jongdae by now. He’s the two time USA Junior National Champion, so we have pretty high hopes for him,” Yulia introduces. Jongdae wishes she left the last part out. He risks a glance at Luhan and Baekhyun and catches a slight smirk on the laters face.

Ten slings an arm around his shoulder. It’s almost as if he senses Jongdae’s discomfort.

“Today is going to be an intense day, as we want to give our newcomer a proper welcome,” Yulia continues.

“So before we get to it, good luck.”

 

  
-

 

 

“I can’t feel my legs,” Jongdae groans when they finally make it back to the locker room.

“Get used to it, this is just the beginning,” Samuel warns as he collapses onto a bench. “This was actually pretty tame for Yulia.”

“You’re kidding me,” Jongdae gasps. No wonder he’s been having trouble keeping up with the rest of them. Jongdae is nowhere near the level of shape he needs to be in to compete.

Jongdae glances to the other side of the locker room and catches Baekhyun’s eye. The boy turns to Luhan and whispers something with that classic smirk on his face. Jongdae narrows his eyes at the other and looks away before he gets too riled up.

What was their deal anyways?

“Let’s wash up and grab dinner together to celebrate Jongdae’s arrival,” Ten says. Samuel cheers in agreement while Ten glances over at Luhan and Baekhyun. With a shrug he calls out to them. “You guys want to join?”

Luhan’s head snaps up, and Jongdae can see a little shock on his face. Baekhyun’s smirk becomes more pronounced. Luhan opens his mouth, probably to decline, but before he can get a word out Baekhyun responds.

“We’ll come.”

The rest of them, Luhan included, stare at him in awe.

“Alright, meet back here in thirty, I’m starving.” Ten breaks the silence. There’s a look of confusion on his face as heads over to the showers to wash up. Samuel is sporting a similar look as he texts the girls about their plans.

Jongdae sits in shock for another second before he gets up and starts gathering his things. With a fleeting glance at Baekhyun, he heads towards the showers as well.

He can’t deny that he’s curious about Baekhyun Byun.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae’s welcome dinner goes off without a hitch, even with the added presence of Luhan and Baekhyun. The other two keep to themselves as the rest of them continue with their antics. Jongdae already feels like he belongs, and he couldn’t be happier about it.

In the first couple weeks of training, Jongdae starts to realize how much the loneliness was weighing on him when he was practicing back home. Being close with his training mates gave him the balance of a social and professional life that he didn’t even know he needed. In only a month and a half, Jongdae has improved leaps and bounds. Even Junmyeon can see the consistent change every time he comes to the rink.

“You’re skating like you used to three years ago. Everything is so much lighter,” Junmyeon gushed at him last week. He’s right, Jongdae does feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulders.

There’s one thing that hasn’t changed though.

“Jongdae for goodness sake, you’re under-rotated again,” Yulia sighs at him. Jongdae lets out a groan of frustration, and as he glances up he can see Baekhyun smirking at him.

Group practices are a blessing and a curse for Jongdae. He gets the chance to spend time training with his friends, but he swears he can feel Baekhyun’s eyes on him every time he attempts a quad. Which means Jongdae can feel Baekhyun’s eyes on him every time he fails at landing a quad.

“Take five, clear your head, and then start practicing it again,” Yulia orders. “If I see you jumping before the five minutes are up, you’re going home.”

Jongdae chuckles at her before skating over to grab some water. She always knows exactly what he needs.

He sits on the edge of the rink watching Yulia work with Baekhyun. The other boy launches into a quad-triple combo and lands cleanly. Absolute perfection.

Jongdae remembers a time when he stood above Baekhyun on the podium. Watching the other right now, Jongdae can’t help but feel further away from that possibility than ever.

Practice continues for the rest of the day as usual. At the end, Jongdae is left with more energy than he usually is after group training, so he stays back to practice with Sana. When Sana leaves as well, Jongdae has the entire rink to himself.

He builds up his confidence with a few clean triple-axels before he attempts a quad. When he does, his blade is shaky on the landing and he falls almost instantly. Jongdae doesn’t bother getting up, and he simply holds his head in his hands and lets out a shaky breath.

The ice below him feels like it’s moving and he doesn’t have to open his eyes to know that his vision is blurry. He feels like crying, but what good would that do?

Jongdae can hear the sound of blades on the ice in the distance, but he can’t manage to look up to see who it is. He feels someone take a seat on the ice next to him.

“Is your butt not cold?”

Jongdae’s head snaps up in shock. As soon as he turns to the right, he sees the smirk he’s so familiar with.

“My butt is getting cold,” Baekhyun frowns. “Let’s get up.”

Jongdae had imagined the first words Baekhyun would say to him more than he would like to admit. Of all his imaginary scenarios, this was never one of them.

“What?” Jongdae asks incredulously.

“I said, can we get up? My butt is cold,” Baekhyun repeats.

Before Jongdae knows it, he’s being dragged up by one arm until he’s standing on both skates.

“What are you doing?” Jongdae asks, confusion apparent in his voice.

“Stop practicing quads alone.” Baekhyun ignores Jongdae’s questions completely. “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Why are you even here?” Jongdae tries again.

“I knew what you were going to try to do, so I stayed in case you broke yourself,” Baekhyun shrugs as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“You’ve barely spared a glance at me since I’ve gotten here. Why do you even care?” Jongdae scoffs.

“You sure do ask a lot of questions don’t you,” Baekhyun laughs. The smirk is still on his face. Jongdae kind of wants to punch it.

“I kind of want to punch you in the face right now.” Jongdae doesn’t hesitate to verbalize his feelings.

“Finally, not a question,” Baekhyun grins, eyes twinkling a little.

Jongdae doesn’t know what to say anymore.

“Go home Jongdae, it’s not happening tonight,” Baekhyun advises. Who is Baekhyun to tell him what to do? Jongdae opens his mouth ready to fight, but Baekhyun doesn’t give him the chance.

“I’m not saying it because you’re my competitor, or because I can land a quad and you can’t,” Baekhyun sighs. “Just go home for now, because you’re doing more harm than good.”

Jongdae stands there with his jaw dropped as Baekhyun turns to skate away. Baekhyun pauses for a second before he leaves.

“And Jongdae? The problem isn’t here.” Baekhyun kicks one of Jongdae’s skates lightly. “It’s all up here.” Baekhyun lifts his hand up to tap the side of Jongdae’s head.

“Nothing is going to change until you fix whatever is going on up there.” For once, Jongdae can see something genuine in Baekhyun.

“You could be better than me, you know.” Baekhyun says carefully. There’s something in his voice that Jongdae can’t quite identify. Is it vulnerability? It’s almost like Baekhyun thinks he shouldn’t be saying anything at all.

“Says the number one skater in the world.” Is Baekhyun trying to mock him?

“And that’s why you should believe me,” Baekhyun smiles, finally without a smirk, and it’s beautiful.

Baekhyun skates away, leaving Jongdae standing there in shock.

After a few minutes, he shakes it off and heads towards the locker rooms. By the time he gets there, Baekhyun is gone.

As he showers and packs up, he replays everything in his head. An hour later, when he heads home, he still can’t figure out what just happened.

What he’s more confused about, however, is why his heart is still beating so fast.

 

-

 

 

Jongdae’s heart is thundering as the last remnants of Divenire resonate around him. Everything about the runthrough of his free skate was perfect. Everything except his damned quads of course.

Jongdae can feel the eyes of his training mates on him as he gasps fill his lungs. After a few beats of silence, Samuel and Ten begin to holler praises at him.

“Marry me Jongdae Kim,” Ten sighs dreamily.

“Teach me how to skate like that,” Samuel pleads, only half jokingly. He really wouldn’t mind some pointers from the legend of artistry himself.

Jongdae skates over to Yulia for his debrief. Today was the first time he performed this routine outside of individual practice. Having selected the music and choreographed a lot of it himself, Jongdae’s free skate has become his pride and joy.

“Fantastic performance, Jongdae,” Yulia smiles at him. “We have plenty of work ahead of us, but that was quite the debut for that routine.”

Jongdae accepts the praise, ducking his head a bit in embarrassment. He can’t help but mention the elephant in the room.

“The quads-” Jongdae begins, only to get cut off by his coach.

“Jongdae, you can teach a skater to jump, but it is much harder to teach a jumper to skate.” Yulia smooths the front of his training jacket down for him. “You, Jongdae, are a skater. As a matter-of-fact, you are one of the best skaters I’ve ever seen.”

Jongdae’s eyes widen at the compliment.

“Hang in there, we’ll get you whipped up into shape in no time,” Yulia reassures him. “I have faith in you, but you have to have faith in yourself as well, or this will never work.”

Jongdae nods at her with conviction and makes his way to the benches where Samuel and Ten are sitting. Yulia’s words take him back to what Baekhyun had said during their odd interaction a few weeks ago. About it all being in his head.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about Dae?” Samuel pokes at his face mischievously.

“Probably about quads,” Ten laughs. “Don’t worry Jongdae, you still have plenty of time.”

“I suppose,” Jongdae shrugs. He knows his artistry is unparalleled, even by Baekhyun, but he has no chance at the podium if he can’t bring some technical prowess to his routine. Figure Skating was a sport, after all. Beautiful skating alone wouldn't cut it.

“Are Luna and Sehun still coming to visit this weekend?” Samuel asks.

“Yeah they’ll get here tomorrow afternoon.”

“So, Luna.” Ten wiggles his eyebrows. “You two look pretty close from what I’ve seen on Instagram.”

Jongdae simply rolls his eyes and laughs at that. He considers telling Ten that he’s about as straight as a circle, but figures it would be more fun to leave his friend guessing.

“She’s the best friend I’ve ever had.” Jongdae shrugs, leaving it at that. Ten doesn’t look very convinced.

“What about Sehun?” Samuel wonders.

“Sehun is just coming here to hit on my brother,” Jongdae chuckles. Samuels eyes go wide and Ten just laughs.  

This was going to be a fun weekend.  


 

-

 

 

Jongdae laughs freely, racing around the rink with Luna and Sehun. They showed up a few hours before the end of practice and watched Jongdae suffer through what was one of Yulia’s more brutal training sessions.

The two had come with their skates in tow, and were skating by Jongdae’s side the minute practice ended. His training friends had decided to stay and spend some time as well. It was nice to see his two words meshing together so easily.

Jongdae speeds up to Luna and grabs her around the waist to pull her back, disrupting their balance and sending them tumbling down in a heap. As Jongdae gets up, still laughing, he catches Baekhyun’s eyes on him from the other side of the rink.

The look Jongdae sees on the other boy’s face makes him pause for a second. There was a slight frown in place of Baekhyun’s usual smirk. He had been having a rough practice day, so it wasn’t the biggest surprise to Jongdae that he was in a bad mood. Something about Baekhyun’s frown left Jongdae unsettled.

Shaking it off, Jongdae catches up with his friends. _Baekhyun doesn’t matter,_ Jongdae reminds himself for the hundredth time this week.

He doesn’t let himself wonder why he can’t get Baekhyun out of his head.

 

 

-

 

 

“To be honest I’m most scared about this Yuta kid,” Ten divulges during dinner. “Forget this skating prince nonsense, he just looks kinda mean.”

“He’s actually not.” Sana’s voice is so soft that they can barely hear it. “Yuta is the biggest nerd I know. He just looks kind of scary on the outside.”

“No way,” Somi laughs. “People call him the ice prince because he looks so cold.”

“He actually asked me out once when we were younger,” Sana giggles. “Or at least he tried. I think he got nervous and kinda ran away in middle.”

“Sounds like someone I know. When Jongdae was in seventh grade, a girl asked him to dance at our school formal,” Luna shares between bites of pasta. “He freaked out and turned red. Then he spilled fruit punch all over her dress.”

Jongdae can feel himself turn red right now as he stares down at his plate with mortification while the rest of the table erupts into laughter. His friends had been trading embarrassing stories about him ever since dinner started. Jongdae should have known this would happen when all his friends came together.

He sighs and looks up from his plate to see Baekhyun quickly looking away. Given how often Jongdae catches Baekhyun staring at him, his heart shouldn’t skip a beat every time it happens. It does anyways.

Baekhyun had come out to dinner with them again, without Luhan this time. Like usual, he hadn’t said a word. This time, however, Jongdae is sitting directly across Baekhyun, so avoiding him was almost impossible. Why was Baekhyun even there?

The frown Baekhyun had been sporting earlier at practice was still there. Something inside Jongdae made him want to reach over and grab Baekhyun’s hand or tangle their legs together and ask him what’s wrong. Just the thought had him breathing a little heavier with his heart picking up speed. Luna notices and turns to him.

“Are you alright?” she leans over and whispers in his ear. Ten wolf whistles from the other end of the table and Jongdae glares at him.  

“I’m fine, just a little tired from practice,” Jongdae reassures her, bumping their shoulders together. He avoids looking at Baekhyun altogether for the rest of dinner.

Jongdae convinces himself that he doesn’t notice Baekhyun’s frown deepen. He also convinces himself that he doesn’t care.

 

-

 

 

Jongdae leans against the boards of the ice rink in exhaustion. After working on the choreography for his short program routine for hours, he’s finally finished. This meant that Jongdae’s routines are officially ready. All that’s left is perfecting his performance.

It was an odd feeling to finally be done with the choreography he put his heart and soul into. He was excited to take his work to competitions. Jongdae couldn’t wait to skate his routines for an audience with the same level of passion he put into creating them. The other part of him was scared he wouldn't be able to pull it off. Although he was showing significant improvement, Jongdae was still struggling to land quads at the consistency he needed.

“Are you okay down there?”

  
Jongdae jumps a little and looks up to Baekhyun looming over him. He must have been so lost in thought that he didn’t hear the other coming.

Baekhyun takes a seat on the ice next to Jongdae.

“Why do you always sit on the ice? It’s so cold,” Baekhyun frowns. It’s a different kind of frown than the one Jongdae has been seeing on him lately. He looks kind of like a kid that doesn’t understand a math problem.

“I’m tired and this is the first place I could sit,” Jongdae says as if it’s obvious. “Anyways, my pants aren’t as thin and tight as yours so it’s probably different for you.”

Jongdae freezes. He probably shouldn’t have said that. Jongdae glances up to see the corners of Baekhyun’s mouth quirking up. He doesn’t say anything, but the look on his face tells Jongdae everything he needs to know. Jongdae feels his cheeks warming.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae asks, desperately changing the subject.

Baekhyun gets up, dragging Jongdae along with him as he begins to skate around the rink.

“I was going to practice, but you were hogging the rink,” Baekhyun complains, but his tone stays light.

“You could have kicked me off, I’ve been here for hours.” Jongdae feels a little guilty, he had no idea.

“It’s fine,” Baekhyun pauses a little tilting his head to the side a little. “I like watching you work? If that makes sense.

“Not in a creepy way or anything.” Baekhyun scratches his head awkwardly. He looks slightly embarrassed. “Your process is interesting, I feel like I learn a lot.”

“You better not be stealing anything,” Jongdae quips with a smile on his face. Joking around with Baekhyun makes him feel like he’s in an alternate universe.

“I wouldn’t dare.” Baekhyun rolls his eyes. They skate in silence for a few minutes and Jongdae wonders if it’s awkward. Strangely enough, Jongdae doesn’t feel any discomfort.   

“Maybe someday you can make something for me,” Baekhyun hums, breaking the silence. Jongdae’s eyes widen. “You’re really good, I didn’t know you choreographed.”

Perhaps it’s because Jongdae doesn’t expect someone as cold and distant as Baekhyun to hand out compliments, but he’s surprised everytime it happens.

“Thanks?” Jongdae mumbles, there’s too many thoughts running through his head.

“I don’t get you,” Baekhyun comments.

“What?”

“I don’t understand,” he continues. “You’re quiet and shy like me, but you have so many friends.”

Jongdae starts chuckling instantly.

“What?” Baekhyun pouts indignantly. “Stop laughing at me.”

“Baekhyun, you don’t quite come off as quiet and shy,” Jongdae clarifies. Baekhyun’s eyebrows scrunch together, and it’s adorable. He glances up at Jongdae expectantly, as if for further explanation. “You come off as cold and distant. You either smirk or frown all the time. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen you smile.”

“That’s just my face,” Baekhyun grumbles. “Anyways, you just look awkward and confused all the time.”

“And it’s endearing,” Jongdae explains. “You’re just kind of...unapproachable? It doesn’t hurt to make the first move sometimes.”

“That’s what I just did.” Baekhyun fidgets with the hem of his shirt. Seeing the other so out of his element is refreshing.

“And look, it’s working,” Jongdae encourages. It feels like he’s talking to a friend. He wonders if he needs to pinch himself to make sure this is all real.

“It is?” Baekhyun glances at him again. His eyes crinkle up a little as he smiles.

Jongdae needs to get out of here.

 “You wanted to practice, right?” Jongdae remembers. “I can get out of your way if-”

“No!” Baekhyun exclaims. “Stay and hang out with me. I’m bored.”

“Oh.” Jongdae doesn’t know what to say. “What happened to Luhan?”

“He’s facetiming his girlfriend back in China.” Baekhyun’s frown reappears. “Do you not want to hang out with me?”

“No, it’s not that,” Jongdae stutters. He’s just nervous, but of course he can’t say that. “It’s nothing.”

“Are you sure? That wasn’t very convincing,” Baekhyun protests. “You can go home if you want.”  
  
“No, I don’t want to,” Jongdae repeats with more conviction. “So what do you want to do to celebrate our newfound friendship?”

The smile reappears on Baekhyun’s face. Jongdae takes a deep breath, wondering if he can make it through this evening.

Baekhyun crooks his head in thought. “Race you,” he suggests suddenly, taking off around the rink.

“Cheater,” Jongdae calls after him, while taking off after Baekhyun to catch up.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard after all.

 

 

-

 

 

There’s a scream from the other end of the rink that sends a chill up Jongdae’s spine. When turns around he sees Yulia and Baekhyun crouching over Luhan, who is curled up in pain. Yulia shouts at everyone to get off the ice, and within seconds, he’s on the benches outside the rink with the rest of his training mates.

Jongdae can see Baekhyun arguing with Yulia to stay with Luhan, and without thinking he goes back on the ice despite warnings from the rest of them.

“Jongdae what are you doing here?” Yulia admonishes.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae grabs Baekhyun’s arm and drags him up away from Luhan. “We have to go.”

Baekhyun glares and tries to wrench his arm out of Jongdae’s hold. “Baekhyun, please, you’re hurting more than helping right now.”

Jongdae returns his glare with a meaningful look, and that seems to be enough to shock Baekhyun into following him. Jongdae drags him off the ice, and when they reach the benches Baekhyun crumples down next to him.

They all sit in silence as the EMTs arrive. Jongdae feels Baekhyun’s hand snake onto his knee, seeking comfort. Without thinking, Jongdae places his own hand over Baekhyun’s and gives it a squeeze.

“It’s a reinjury I think,” Baekhyun whispers. “If it’s as bad as it looks…”

Baekhyun trails off, but Jongdae can gather enough without it being said out loud. Jongdae remembers when Luhan tore his ACL three years ago. It was at the end of competition season, which gave him enough time to withdraw and recover. By the time the next season rolled around, he was back to normal and skating better than ever.

This time, he probably wouldn’t be as lucky. Injuries always take longer to heal the second time around, and with the season approaching so soon, there’s no way Luhan would be able to make it back in time.

Jongdae doesn’t say it’s going to be okay, because he can’t lie to Baekhyun. All he can do is sit with him and hold his hand in hope of providing even the slightest bit of comfort.

Jongdae thinks that he wouldn’t mind holding Baekhyun’s hand forever.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae had never really spoken to Luhan since coming to Vancouver. It takes exiting the rink one day to see a casted up Luhan laughing with Sehun to realize that.

He walks up to the two of them in confusion. “Sehun, what are you doing here?”

“Oh hey, Dae,” Sehun exclaims, jumping up to throw his arms around Jongdae. “I had nothing to do this weekend, so surprise!”

Jongdae rolls his eyes. “Don’t you have studying to do?” He feels like Junmyeon again. Being around younger kids so often has got him nagging too much.

“I brought it all with me.” Sehun reaches over and pats his overstuffed backpack.

Jongdae glances over at Luhan and gives him a nod. “How are you feeling?”

“Could be worse,” Luhan shrugs. “It’ll take time. The doctor has me off the ice for four months.”

Sehun sits back down, and Jongdae joins him.

“You going home?” Jongdae asks. Even being a few hours away from California was hard for Jongdae sometimes, he couldn’t imagine what it felt like for the others to be so far from home.

“Everyone is busy going to work and living their lives,” Luhan sighs. “I’d rather just recover here without worrying about getting in someone’s way. My girlfriend was planning on visiting before the accident anyways, so I’d rather stay where all the fun is and have her come here.”

“Yeah, we’re having so much fun as you can see” Jongdae laughs sarcastically. With competition season approaching faster everyday, Yulia has been going increasingly hard on them.

“Hey, at least you get to be on the ice,” Luhan reminds him. “Anyways, you need all the practice you can get with how iffy your quads are.”

“I know,” Jongdae whines. “I don’t know how to fix it though.”

Luhan was probably the quad king of figure skating at the moment. Nobody else had the accuracy he did, and Jongdae has never been able to figure out how he does it. A ridiculous thought pops up into his head, but he quickly pushes it away.

“What are you thinking about?” Sehun elbows him softly.

“Nothing,” Jongdae shakes his head. “Let’s get dinner, I’m starved.”

“Luhan, you wanna come with?” Sehun turns and asks. Luhan looks a little taken aback.

“Uh, sure, why not?” Luhan doesn’t sound sure at all. Jongdae isn’t sure either.

This was going to be interesting.

 

 

-

 

 

After a particularly difficult practice, the boys pile into the practice room exhausted. Sehun and Luhan follow them closely behind.

“So, tell me again,” Ten wonders. “Why are you still here Sehun?”

“‘I’m on break, okay,” Sehun huffs. “Leave me alone, I’m just trying to have fun.”

Sehun comes over and drapes himself over Jongdae.

“Get off of me, I’m all sweaty.” Jongdae swats at him.

“I don’t care, he’s being mean to me,” Sehun whines petulantly.

“Maybe Junmyeon doesn’t realize you like him because you’re always hanging off his little brother,” Ten counters. Sehun gasps, taking offense. “And Jongdae, how would Luna feel if she saw you like this.”

Jongdae laughs and rolls his eyes. “For the hundredth time I’m not dating Luna.”

Ten opens his mouth to says something, but a loud bang of a locker being thrown shut has them all looking over at Baekhyun. He looks upset.

Before anyone can ask questions, he stalks off to the showers with his things. Jongdae looks after him in concern.

“What, not going to run after him and make sure he’s okay?” Ten raises his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” Jongdae wills his cheeks not to heat up.

“You’ve been Baekhyun’s personal mood maker lately,” Ten shrugs. “Thinking about it, if there’s anyone Luna should be looking out for, it’s probably Baekhyun.”

“Shut up,” Jongdae glowers. “We just got close, that’s all.”

Ten shrugs and heads to the showers as well, leaving Jongdae under Sehun’s curious glance. If Sehun hadn’t noticed anything before, Ten’s comments surely got the younger boy thinking. Jongdae is saved by Samuel starting a meaningless conversation about some movie he wants to go watch. He manages to slip away to the showers before anyone else can ask him questions.

 

 

-

 

 

“You like him,” Sehun states simply as they lie in bed staring at the ceiling hours later.

“Yeah.” Jongdae doesn’t even try to deny it. It’s actually nice to be able to say it out loud for once.

“A lot.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae sighs.

“What are you going to do?” Sehun asks.

“I have no fucking clue,” Jongdae groans.

 

 

-

 

 

Baekhyun is in a sour mood yet again. It’s been happening far too often nowadays, and honestly it’s starting to get on Jongdae’s nerves. After yet another argument, Jongdae skates off the ice and collapses on the bench next to Luhan.

“What is wrong with him,” Jongdae seethes. He got close to the older boy rather quickly while Sehun was visiting.

“Just give him a few days, he’ll cool off,” Luhan chuckles. “He always gets like this when he feels threatened.”

“By what though?” Jongdae shakes his head. Baekhyun’s skating has been flawless, as usual. Jongdae can’t figure out what’s triggering the other boy’s frustration.

“That’s for you to figure out,” Luhan shrugs. “Or for him to tell you.”

Luhan starts gathering his things and hauls himself up onto his crutches. “Anyways, I’m going home. Don’t fight with him too much, normally it makes everything worse.”

Jongdae nods.

“Luhan?” Jongdae pauses, debating if he wants to ask the question that’s been on the tip of his tongue for the last week.

“What’s up?”

Jongdae hesitates and chickens out yet again. “Nothing, have a good evening.”

Luhan smiles and heads out, leaving Jongdae on the bench with his shoulders slumped. He’s been meaning to ask Luhan for advice on his quads, but he can’t seem to work up the courage.

A few minutes later, Baekhyun comes off the ice and takes a seat next to him.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” Baekhyun apologizes the minute he sits. “Lately I’ve just been… sensitive?”

“Would you like to share why?” Jongdae deadpans.

“It’s nothing, I’ll get over it” Baekhyun mumbles hurriedly and changes the subject. “Anyways why were you staring after Luhan like a sad puppy just now?”

“What, no I wasn’t!” Jongdae protests.

“You want help with your quads don’t you?” Baekhyun smirks. Jongdae might have fallen hard for Baekhyun, but he still can’t stand the other’s smirk.

“Would you stop smirking, it makes me want to hit you,” Jongdae pleads.

“I bet you wouldn’t,” Baekhyun teases, poking him in the side.

“Oh shut up, would you,” Jongdae rolls his eyes, swatting Baekhyun’s hands away. It doesn’t work, so he settles for just grabbing Baekhyun’s wrist and holding his arm still. Jongdae should let go, but he doesn’t. Their hands settle in Jongdae’s lap comfortably and he takes a quick look up at Baekhyun’s face. The other boy looks unfazed.

“You should just quit being shy and ask him.” Baekhyun’s hand turns up and he starts to play with Jongdae’s fingers. Jongdae almost chokes on his breath. “He would say yes, you know.”

“Would he?” Jongdae struggles. The touches on his hand are featherlight. Baekhyun is a touchy person and everytime Jongdae thinks he’s gotten used to it, the other manages to outdo himself.

“Yeah, ask him.” Baekhyun’s hand envelops his completely, squeezing lightly, before he lets go altogether. “I’m going to go shower, you coming?”

“I’ll be there in a bit.” Jongdae really needs to cool off.

And Baekhyun really needs to stop touching him.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae squares his shoulders and summons the little confidence he has from within him. He walks up to Luhan purposefully.

“You want helps with your quads don’t you.” Luhan beats him to it, not looking up from his phone.

“Did Baekhyun tell you?” Jongdae asks.

“No, I’m just a very perceptive person,” Luhan sighs, finally looking up. “And you, Jongdae Kim, are an open book. I know much more about you than you might think.”

“What do you mean?” Jongdae feels a little threatened all of a sudden.

“Oh, Jongdae, I think you already know,” Luhan sing-songs. His smile looks downright evil. “Actually, that might be a great motivator for you to finally stop under-rotating.”

Jongdae’s eyebrows scrunch together. He’s already regretting this.

“Four rotations, or I’m going to go tell Baekhyun some _very_ interesting things,” Luhan hums. Jongdae’s jaw drops. He’s definitely regretting this.

“You know what, nevermind I’m just-” Jongdae attempts, backing away from the other.

“Too late,” Luhan intejects. His voice is all business. “We’ll start tomorrow. To be quite honest, I’m sick of you falling on your ass every time you attempt a quad loop.”

“Alright, I guess,” Jongdae says tentatively. “I’m going to regret this by the end, aren’t I?”

“If you don’t, that means I’m doing something wrong,” Luhan grins. “I better not be kicking myself in the ass by helping you. If you start beating me when I come back next season, I’ll end you.”

For some reason, Jongdae isn’t sure if that’s a joke.

“Meet me here at 4:30 tomorrow,” Luhan orders. “If you’re late, you’ll be sorry.”

“Why so early?” Jongdae whines, frowning. That’s half an hour before he usually wakes up to get to the rink.

“Do you want Baekhyun to watch you fall on your ass every 30 seconds?” Luhan challenges. Jongdae’s eyes widen. “I thought so.”

Yulia calls him over before he can protest anymore. Luhan looks too satisfied for comfort.

Jongdae has never been more scared.

 

 

-

 

 

Every part of Jongdae hurts. His muscles ache and his bones are bruised.

“Luhan can I _please_ take today off,” Jongdae begs as he skates onto the rink at 4:30 am.

“Absolutely not,” Luhan rejects immediately. “Come on Jongdae, we’re almost there. You’ve got Baekhyun and this mysterious Yuta kid landing quads in their sleep, you can’t afford to take a break.”

With just two weeks of Luhan’s help, Jongdae’s quads have improved drastically. He’s landing them almost 75 percent of the time, and he’s rarely under-rotates. Luhan quickly identified that Jongdae’s fear of falling was fueling his under-rotation problem. Forcing himself to take the leap and fall allowed him to improve his accuracy.

Luhan would make a great coach one day.

“Now stop stalling and warm up, I don’t have time for this,” Luhan barks. Jongdae starts laps around the rink in an instant with a smile.

Jongdae corrects himself, Luhan a was a damn good coach already.

 

 

-

 

 

When group training ends later that day, Jongdae rushes to the exit where Luhan was watching at the benches. The minute he’s next to Luhan, he’s wrapped in a big hug.

“You landed all of them!” Luhan yelps with a huge grin on his face. Jongdae squeals in return. “I told you could do it.”

Luhan ruffles his hair. He takes a seat and sees Baekhyun stomping off the rink.

“Hey Baek, come-” Jongdae starts, only to be left open mouthed when Baekhyun stalks past them without as much as a glance.

“What is his problem this time?” Jongdae groans, getting up to follow Baekhyun to the locker rooms. Luhan grabs his arm and pulls him back down.

“Just leave him, he needs some time alone,” Luhan advises. Jongdae pouts in return. “Anyways, take an hour and then let’s go back out there and use whatever momentum you have today to practice.”

Jongdae nods and gets back up to go hang out with the others on the ice, and Samuel skates over to him, asking for help with step sequence execution. Before Jongdae knows it, he’s back practicing quad after quad with Luhan.

Two hours later, Luhan releases Jongdae from his misery and calls it a day. Jongdae is in high spirits as he walks to the locker room for a shower. When he enters, he sees Baekhyun sitting in front of Jongdae’s locker.

“What are you still doing here?” Jongdae asks, giving Baekhyun a little punch in the shoulder as a greeting before he turns and shoves his things into his locker. When he hears no response he glances back to see Baekhyun frowning at the ground.

“What’s wrong this time, Baekhyun?” Jongdae sighs, not bothering to hide the frustration in his voice.

“Since when have you and Luhan been so close?” Baekhyun says softly.

“ _That’s_ what this is about?” Jongdae scoffs. “We’ve been spending all our time together, obviously we’re going to get close. Anyways, this was your advice, you have no right to be upset about it now.”

“I told you to get help from, not to go and become best friends with him,” Baekhyun growls.

“Baekhyun, you’re still his best friend. You don’t have to worry about that.” Jongdae softens his tone, understanding what the problem might be. Baekhyun shakes his head.

“It’s not that,” Baekhyun fumes, rolling his eyes in frustration. Jongdae is equally as frustrated.

“Then what the fuck is your problem, Baekhyun?” Jongdae straight up yells this time. Thankfully everyone was long gone by now.

“Do you really want to know?” Baekhyun’s voice is low. It snaps Jongdae back into reality, and he realizes how close they’ve gotten. Baekhyun’s hands come up to his shoulders and push him roughly into the lockers. “Fine.”

And then Baekhyun is kissing him. Hard.

Baekhyun presses against him, and the lockers dig into his back behind him. Baekhyun’s tongue prods against his lips and Jongdae lets him in without resistance. Before he knows it, Jongdae is moaning, arms wrapped tight around Baekhyun’s torso. He’s glad everyone is long gone, but for a different reason now.

They kiss until they can’t breathe anymore, and seconds, minutes  pass. Jongdae can’t even tell. Jongdae slowly steps Baekhyun backwards until he’s sitting on the bench again. Without separating, Jongdae climbs into his lap and pulls Baekhyun’s chest against flush against his own. They’re lost in each other, and Jongdae thinks he can never stop.

Until his phone rings loudly.

They spring apart suddenly, breathing heavily and staring at each other. Jongdae scrambles out of Baekhyun’s lap while the other stands quickly.

“I-” Baekhyun starts, still breathing heavily. Jongdae doesn’t like the look in his eyes. “I have to go.”

Baekhyun grabs his things quickly and rushes out of the locker room, leaving Jongdae standing in shock. He doesn’t know what just happened.

All he knows is that Baekhyun just broke his heart a little, and took a piece of it with him when he left.

 

 

-

 

 

“You’re third to last,” Junmyeon sighs as he walks into their hotel room.

“Are you serious?” Jongdae whines in frustration. Being a naturally anxious person, Jongdae hates skating later in a competition. “What about the rest of them?”

“Minseok Kim and Kyungsoo Do are right before you, and Baekhyun skates right after you. Ten is towards the beginning.”

“Who’s last then?”

“Yuta Nakamoto, the proclaimed rising star from Japan.” Junmyeon starts pulling clothes out of his suitcase and throwing them on his bed. Jongdae internally groans. His older brother would most likely turn the hotel room into a mess within the hour.

“Why won’t people stop talking about this kid he just crossed over from Juniors last year.”

“Well, people are saying that he’s going to overthrow Baekhyun as the king of men's figure skating,” Junmyeon elaborates. “The press won’t stop bothering him, poor thing.”

Jongdae can’t imagine having that much attention focused on him. He would likely crumble under the pressure. There was a part of him that resented his status as team USA’s ‘forgotten one’, but a bigger part couldn’t be happier to be flying under the radar now.

“So, what’s your plan for the rest of the day?” Junmyeon asks.

“I’m probably going to head over to the rink now and get an hour of practice in,” Jongdae shrugs. “Maybe I’ll go sightseeing later.”

“Bergen is a beautiful city, you don’t want to miss it!” Junmyeon exclaims, pulling his giant DSLR out of his suitcase. Jongdae doesn’t know when his older brother became such a dad. “I’ll be out exploring all day, so just text me if you want to join.”

“Last time I joined you I had to lug your backpack up a mountain because you were too tired.” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “So no thanks, I’m good.”

“Suit yourself,” Junmyeon huffs. “You’ll be missing out.”

“How unfortunate,” Jongdae deadpans, quickly packing up his training bag and running out of the hotel room before Junmyeon has the chance to throw something at him.

Surprisingly, the rink is pretty empty by the time he arrives. He finds Ten packing up as he’s about to enter.

“Heading out?” Jongdae sneaks up on him.

“Man, could you give me a little warning next time,” Ten complains, flinching a little in surprise. “How are you feeling?”

Jongdae shrugs, attempting nonchalance. It really doesn’t work.  

“Chill dude, you look like you’re freaking out,” Ten urges. “You’re going to be fine. Honestly your skating is better than Baekhyun’s on some days.”

“Baekhyun doesn’t have crippling performance anxiety though.”

“You don’t know that,” Ten shrugs. “Everyone has performance anxiety, Jongdae. If you aren’t a little nervous before you skate that means you don’t care. Embrace it. Use it to fuel your performance.

“You won’t choke if you don’t let it get to you,” Ten encourages.

Jongdae sighs. He’s never been able to explain it to anyone properly, but the way nerves affect him was a lot different than it was for his peers. He wishes it were as simple as Ten was explaining, but Jongdae’s brain is just wired differently.

“Jongdae, the reason so many of us admire you as a skater isn’t because you’re perfect. It’s because you’re real. When you skate it makes people _feel_ something.

“Yeah, landing quads is great and all, but it’s the artistry that we chase after. We’re all just trying to tell our stories, and nobody can do that better than you. Even Baekhyun and this so called Prince Yuta.”

A smile tugs at the corner of Jongdae’s mouth. Perhaps a small part of him already knew that, but nobody has ever said those words straight to his face. He didn’t know how much he needed it until now.

“Thanks,” Jongdae mumbles, feeling his cheeks turning red. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Ten.”

“Well, you’re stuck with me now, best friend,” Ten grins.

“Of course,” Jongdae rolls his eyes. “You going to explore now?”

“Yep.” Ten zips up his bag and stands to leave. “Let me know when you’re done out here, you can join me.”

Hanging out with Ten seemed like a much better option than Junmyeon’s earlier offer, so he agrees and sends the other off before lacing up his skates and heading onto the ice.

Jongdae manages to land all his jumps cleanly, and before he knows it, his hour of practice time is up. He has to force himself to get off the ice before he over exerts himself.

As he leaves, he wonders to himself if he’s ready or not. The last few months have come along with experiences that Jongdae would have never imagined before he arrived in Vancouver. Thanks to friends like Samuel and Ten, he’s finally in a training environment that makes him happy. Between Yulia’s coaching and Luhan’s help, he’s finally on the path to becoming the skater he always dreamed of being.

Of course there was also Baekhyun. They had managed to avoid each other for the two weeks following what Jongdae likes to call The Very Big Kiss™, but despite how angry as he was, Jongdae has come to terms with the truth. Somewhere along the way, Jongdae gave a piece of his heart away to Baekhyun, and he wasn’t getting it back any time soon. Jongdae thought about Baekhyun _all the time_. Despite whatever happened on that dreaded night, he knows that there is something between them, and Baekhyun feels it too.

Maybe his heart is a mess and his brain is even messier. Maybe he’s not as confident as he wishes he was, even though everyone else believes in him.

Maybe Jongdae will never really _feel_ ready, but he decides that it’s time for him to lay his cards on the table. After all, this competition just the beginning and he doesn’t have much to lose. No matter what happens tomorrow, Jongdae is proud of how far he’s come.

With a deep breath, he squares his shoulder and holds his head up high. Jongdae is ready to take the skating world by storm.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae feels the tears welling up in his eyes as he skates off the ice. Junmyeon is right there waiting for him as he cumbles into his older brothers arms.

“It’s okay Jongdae, we still have tomorrow,” Junmyeon whispers to him as they walk over to kiss and cry.

“There’s no way I can podium now, Jun.” Jongdae hangs his head. Memories of his last season flood back. He can’t believe he managed to mess up that badly.

The incoming results put him at 11th place. With Baekhyun and Yuta skating after him, he’d end at 13th without a doubt. He could kick and scratch his way up to the podium tomorrow, but the chances of that happening were nearly impossible.

Jongdae packs up his things without watching the other two skate, mind blank. He sees Ten waiting for him at the door as he’s leaving. He slings an arm around Jongdae’s shoulder and leads him towards the hotel.

“I’m here to make sure you don’t get lost in your head.” Ten squeezes Jongdae’s shoulder.

“You were great out there,” Jongdae congratulates, mustering up as much enthusiasm as he can. Ten was 4th at the moment, scoring a career best.

“And I can’t wait for you to destroy the hell out me tomorrow during free skate,” Ten jokes, shoving Jongdae lightly. Jongdae must have saved the world in a past life, because he doesn’t know how else he would be lucky enough to have a friend like Ten.

“Shut up,” Jongdae chides. “Don’t sell yourself short.”

“I’m being serious,” Ten dismisses Jongdae’s nagging. “Now let’s go home and get some rest.”

 

 

-

 

 

If there’s one thing that Jongdae likes about completely fucking up his short program, it’s the fact that he gets to skate early. He takes deep breaths in the warm-up room, forcing the nerves to stay at bay. The shortened waiting time to skate gives him less of a chance to destroy his own confidence, which is exactly what happened yesterday.

In no time at all he’s lacing up his skates and heading onto the ice. He wipes his mind completely blank and waits for the opening notes of Divenire to play around him.

Jongdae instantly loses himself in the music, and by the time his first quad comes along, he’s not even thinking anymore. He lands it cleanly and it sends a wave of confidence through him. By the time he reaches his step sequence, he’s landed every jump in his program flawlessly. He can feel the exhaustion starting to set in but he throws himself head first into the footwork he worked so hard to create. There are no thoughts running through his head as the music builds up to its climax. Jongdae becomes one with the music and invites the audience to just _feel_ with him. When his spin sequence hits he can barely process what’s going on. Everything moves at lightning speed and in slow motion simultaneously. He tries to commit every moment of what he’s feeling to memory because as he ends his last spin Jongdae already knows that he just skated the best performance of his life.

The second the music ends, crowd is on their feet instantly, giving Jongdae a standing ovation.

This time the tears in his eyes are from happiness and when he falls into to Junmyeon’s arms, his older brother doesn’t need to console him. His free skate score is one point shy of Baekhyun’s world record. He’s in first place, for now.

It’s a brutal waiting game as he sits in the stands with Junmyeon, trying to stay as inconspicuous as possible. It’s impossible after skating a program like that, and Jongdae can feel a hundred cameras focused on him, inspecting every change in his expression.

Ten skates not to long after him with only a few hiccups, putting him in second place for the moment. Minutes after his skate, Ten materializes next to him and Jongdae is enveloped in a giant hug.

“You killed it,” Ten almost shrieks in his ear. “I’m so proud of you, Dae.”

Jongdae chuckles and hugs Ten back just as tightly. “You did great too. Just a little bit of work on your free program and you’ll be a contender for the podium too.”

“Yeah, in our dreams,” Ten rolls his eyes.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop selling yourself short?” Jongdae scolds.

Ten was one of the few skaters in the circuit that skated for the sake of skating. He was proud to simply bring the sport more popularity in Thailand, but Jongdae believed the younger boy had the potential to be one of the best in the circuit.

“You’re starting to sound like Junmyeon,” Ten chuckles.

“Hey don’t bring me into this!” Junmyeon complains. “Anyways, I agree with Jongdae.”

“I’m just saying-” Ten starts.

“Will you both be quiet and let me suffer in peace,” Jongdae interjects, knee bouncing up and down nervously.

They both shut up instantly, exchanging slightly concerned looks.

The waiting game continues.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae doesn’t know exactly how to feel.

“Fourth place,” Jongdae breathes when Baekhyun finishes skating a flawless routine.

“Dae, his free skate was flawless and his score didn’t even touch yours.” Junmyeon’s eyes are wide. “And wow, the pressure definitely got to Yuta, poor guy.”

After a second place finish following short program, Yuta Nakamoto flubbed his free skate, pushing him down to sixth place behind Ten. That left Baekhyun at the top of the podium with Louis Thomas, from France with silver and Kyungsoo Do with bronze.

“Man, I can’t believe I beat Yuta. Him and Baekhyun are probably shaking in their skates,” Ten laughs. “If you skate a short program that we all know you’re capable of…”

“It looks like Baekhyun Byun has finally met his match,” Junmyeon grins.

Jongdae can’t help but wonder what Baekhyun was thinking. During the months that their friendship blossomed, Baekhyun had done nothing but encourage Jongdae, and he doesn’t understand why. In reality, Jongdae doesn’t understand much about Baekhyun at all, and maybe that’s part of the reason he wants more.

“What are you sighing about?” Ten raises his eyebrows with a chuckle.

“Nothing,” Jongdae mumbles. He’s already thinking a lot about throwing himself into practice and maybe just a little about throwing himself at Baekhyun.

After everything that happened in the last two days, Jongdae shouldn’t still be thinking about Baekhyun pressed up against him in the locker room. He shouldn’t be imagining what it would be like to fall asleep in Baekhyun’s arms. He shouldn’t want to run down to the rink and throw his arms around Baekhyun in congratulations.

He should be preparing to claim the number one spot that Baekhyun has been sitting on for two years, but the realization is slowly setting in. Baekhyun could break his heart a thousand times and his voice would still echo in Jongdae’s head. The sight of Baekhyun makes him angrier than he’s been in a while, but his touch still lingers on his skin. Jongdae has fallen so deeply into Baekhyun without realizing, and he doesn’t know the way out.

And that scares him more than anything else.

 

-

 

 

“Jongdae, can you stop,” Samuel shouts at him from the door of the rink. “I’m begging you.”

“Yeah get your ass off the ice and take a shower,” Ten complains. “I’m hungry and I want to eat. Now.”

“Just go without me today,” Jongdae urges. Ever since his fourth place finish earlier this month, he’s completely lost himself in practice. His friends have been on his case to take it easy, but Jongdae can’t get himself to stop. If he’s willing and able to practice, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be.

With competition season in full swing, Yulia has significantly cut down on group training, and each of them have been operating on their own individual training and conditioning. Although he isn’t able to see his friends as often, that also means that he’s able to successfully avoid a certain Baekhyun Byun without any difficulties.

Jongdae has seen the other in passing, only to promptly turn around and run away. Baekhyun had even yelled after him to stop last time it happened.

Jongdae didn’t listen.

“This is strike three,” Samuel huffs. “We’ll let it go this time, but I swear to god Jongdae, you need to take a break.”

Ten hollers a goodbye, and Jongdae can hear the concern in his voice. Jongdae can’t be too mad, because he knows he would do the same if the roles were reversed. He’s glad he has friends that make sure he’s not crossing his breaking point.

Jongdae manages another hour before he gets too tired to continue.

As he’s leaving he sees Baekhyun sitting on the bench next to his things. His heart seizes up. He contemplates running away, but Baekhyun is already looking up at him with a nervous expression. Jongdae walks to his bag tentatively, glaring at Baekhyun.

“You looked good out there,” Baekhyun speaks first, voice shaking slightly.

“Thanks, I guess.” Jongdae attempts to keep his tone light, but the anger seeps in. He has to remind himself that Baekhyun is the one who walked away that day. Jongdae has the right to be angry.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun whispers. “I’m really sorry.”

“Oh really? I couldn’t tell from the way you left abruptly that night and then proceeded to not speak to me for the last month.”

Jongdae curses himself for letting his feelings go so easily, but something about Baekhyun leaves him with no filter.

“I can explain everything,” Baekhyun sighs. Jongdae rolls his eyes and turns away. He doesn’t have anything to say, and frankly he doesn’t want to hear Baekhyun’s empty apologies.

Jongdae feels a hand wrap around his wrist lightly, tugging to prevent him from leaving. Just one touch sends a zip of electricity through Jongdae’s entire body.

“Jongdae, please,” Baekhyun begs. Jongdae turns around tentatively and sees the desperation on Baekhyun’s face. “Just give me a chance to explain. Just-”

Baekhyun cuts himself off with a huff of frustration.

“I want…” Baekhyun trails off, brows furrowing even more.

“What do you want, Baekhyun?” Jongdae sighs exasperatedly.

“I want you,” Baekhyun whispers. Jongdae can hear the desperation in his voice, and it shocks him to the bone. He doesn’t know what to say.

“I want you so much.” Baekhyun’s voice wavers. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m just scared.”

Jongdae’s heart thunders in his chest. It’s not that Jongdae doesn’t trust Baekhyun’s feelings, it’s that he doesn't want to. Perhaps, deep down Jongdae is just as scared as Baekhyun.

“What are you even saying, Baekhyun? It’s been a fucking month,” Jongdae frowns. “I don’t know what you’re expecting me to say to you.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun apologizes again. He looks so small and confused and Jongdae just wants to hold him.

“That day, I ran because I was scared. I know that’s probably the stupidest excuse I could bring to you after so long, but it’s true.

“I meant that kiss. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time, Jongdae. Longer than you even know.” Baekhyun is looking Jongdae straight in the eye, hand still wrapped around his wrist.

“I wanted to talk to you, but Bergen was just around the corner,” Baekhyun sighs in frustration. “Neither of us needed the distraction.”

“Yeah we wouldn’t have wanted to disrupt your perfect performances, would we?” There’s venom in Jongdae’s voice, and he almost winces at the harshness.

Baekhyun doesn’t waver.

“It wasn’t just for me, Jongdae,” Baekhyun murmurs. “You didn’t need it either.”

Jongdae knows that Baekhyun is right, but he can’t admit it. Admitting it would give Baekhyun an excuse for hurting him, and that’s just too painful for Jongdae to fathom.

“I tried after we got back, but you’ve been avoiding me. I didn’t want to bother you when you’re working so hard, so I almost didn’t do this,” Baekhyun continues.

“Then why did you?”

“Jongdae would you just listen to me for a second?” Baekhyun asks exasperatedly. Jongdae frowns in return and weakly attempts to pull his arm out of Baekhyun’s grasp.

“I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you all the time. I miss you.” Baekhyun’s voice drops to a whisper, and his eyes are shining.

It’s petty and Jongdae really shouldn’t do it, but for some reason Baekhyun’s words flip a switch in him.

Jongdae wrenches his arm out of Baekhyun’s grip and grabs him by the shoulders.

“Yeah? Well I can’t stop thinking about you either.” Jongdae growls. He crowds Baekhyun’s space until they’re impossibly close. “And it’s all your fucking fault.”

Jongdae closes the space between them in an instant. The minute his lips touch Baekhyun’s, there’s electricity coursing through his veins. Kissing Baekhyun makes him feel as alive as he does when he’s on the ice. Both of their hands are roaming desperately, like they’ve been starved for each other’s touch. Jongdae lets himself indulge. He gives in to all the feelings that have been tormenting him for the last month.

He burns the way Baekhyun’s lips feel into his memories. His hands touch every inch of Baekhyun’s body that they can reach. He takes and takes until he convinces himself that he’s satisfied. Then he lets go completely, pulling away from Baekhyun abruptly, leaving both of them gasping for breath.

“I’m sorry Baekhyun,” Jongdae chuckles sarcastically. “But I really have to go.”

Jongdae reaches behind Baekhyun to grab his bag and walks off, leaving the other in shock. In that moment, he knows he broke Baekhyun’s heart, the same way Baekhyun broke his.

What Jongdae doesn’t understand, however, is why it feels like his is shattering all over again.

 

 

-

 

 

As Jongdae looks around him to take in the scene, he decides that would rather be anywhere else.

Between Ten and Samuel teasing him, Baekhyun pressed tightly against his side, and Luhan shooting the two of them knowing looks, Jongdae just wants to go home.

The five of them managed to stuff themselves into some hole in the wall restaurant for dinner, and Jongdae even can’t move his chopsticks without rubbing half of his body against Baekhyun’s. He really didn’t want to come to dinner, but sadly he was out of strikes. Of course Baekhyun decided to tag along the second he found out that Jongdae was going.

In the week since the The Very Big Kiss Part II™, Jongdae realizes that Baekhyun is not going to give up. He suddenly found himself back in a friendship that he doesn’t remember agreeing to start again, and Baekhyun is always _everywhere._ Jongdae even asked the other if he was stalking him, which Baekhyun just laughed off.

“So Jongdae, how’s our favorite girl Luna doing?” Ten teases, making kissy faces. Jongdae rolls his eyes. He feels Baekhyun go instantly stiff next to him, and _oh_. When he turns to glance at the other, Baekhyun’s frown is back. The frown that Jongdae could never figure out the meaning of, until now. Baekhyun was just jealous, and maybe Jongdae really does have no idea how long Baekhyun has wanted him.

A part of him is incredulous, and Jongdae has to keep himself from laughing. The other part of him brings back the nagging fear that has taken up permanent residence in the back of Jongdae’s mind. The fear that their feelings for each other possibly only meant bad things.

Jongdae feels a hand snake onto his thigh and his breath hitches quietly. Thankfully no one else is close enough to hear it. Baekhyun’s hand squeezes possessively and it does all kinds of things to him.

Jongdae can hear it without it being said, _“You’re mine.”_

Baekhyun’s hand doesn’t move for the remainder of dinner. Halfway through, he starts rubbing patterns into Jongdae’s thighs, comforting him and driving him crazy all at once. Jongdae does nothing to stop him, but then again, Baekhyun probably knew that he wouldn’t. Jongdae’s revenge kiss apparently did not work as well as he wanted it to, because Baekhyun sees right through him.

Jongdae hates to admit it, but he understands why Baekhyun walked away that day. If Jongdae himself were the one to have initiated the kiss, he most likely would have walked away too. He has spent countless hours contemplating how to balance his feelings for Baekhyun with his career, but he doesn't know if it’s even possible.

Whether he’s off the ice or lost in the music on it, there’s one thing that is a constant. _Baekhyun._

When Jongdae came to Vancouver, he thought he was ready for anything, but he was wrong. Jongdae was definitely not ready to fall in love.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae slams the door of his locker in frustration. He’s a week away from the Seattle Invitational and he just came out of the worst practice he’s had in months. No matter how much Junmyeon and Ten are telling him to calm down and lay off of practicing, Seattle would be a make or break moment for his career. Being in the States meant all eyes would be on him, and the press wasn’t going to leave him alone easily.

Ever since his disastrous short program in Bergen, Jongdae has been unable to pull off the routine without mistakes. He doesn’t need everyone telling him that it’s all in his head because _he knows that._ He just has no idea what to do about it.

It’s been a while since he’s felt so hopeless that there are tears of frustration welling up in his eyes. Vancouver was supposed to help him overcome the obstacles that have been haunting for the last two years, but in this moment he feels like the same boy that was crouched on the ice in the midst of a panic attack.

His mind runs away as he starts thinking about all the sacrifices his family made for him to be able to come train in Vancouver. After all that has happened, if he can’t skate a clean short program then what’s the fucking point?

Jongdae hears something rustling behind him and he doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is. If he was stronger he would turn around and shout at Baekhyun to leave him alone, but Jongdae feels so weak right now. Right now, he needs Baekhyun more he ever has.

Arms wrap around him from behind and he immediately relaxes into Baekhyun’s hold. The tears that he had been able to keep at bay attack at full force and spill from his eyes instantly. It takes thirty seconds before he’s sobbing into Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“Let’s get you home, okay?” Baekhyun strokes his hair softly. Whispering into his ear that everything was going to be okay. Jongdae know how stupid it is to believe those words, but he does anyways. When it comes to Baekhyun, Jongdae is powerless.  

He lets Baekhyun drag him to his car and carefully tuck him into the passenger's seat. Baekhyun drives him home in silence, and they’re at his apartment in twenty minutes. When Jongdae makes no move to get out of the car, Baekhyun sighs and gets out.

Baekhyun leads Jongdae to the front door of his apartment with a hand wrapped around his wrist. He takes the keys from Jongdae’s hand and opens up the door. Jongdae feels numb as he leads himself to his room and stands next to his bed. Baekhyun finally lets go of his hand, when he’s sure that Jongdae is safe in his home. He makes a move to leave, turning towards the door.

Jongdae opens his mouth for the first time that night.

“Stay with me, please.” It’s barely a whisper, but Baekhyun hears him loud and clear.

Jongdae falls asleep curled in Baekhyun’s arms that night, and it’s the most peaceful sleep he’s had in months.

 

 

-

 

  
Jongdae’s head is pillowed on Baekhyun’s chest when he wakes up. He blinks the tiredness out of his eyes and rolls over to check his phone.

“Fuck,” he shouts. “Baekhyun wake up, it’s already 8.”

Baekhyun groans and pulls Jongdae back down into his arms.

“Sleepy.” Baekhyun makes a little whining noise that melts Jongdae from the inside out.

“Baekhyun, group training started hours ago, we have to go.”

“One day won’t change anything.” Baekhyun finally opens his eyes and grins down at Jongdae. “Let’s take the day off.”

“Are you being serious? Baekhyun shut up and let’s go, Yulia is going to kill us.”

“Yulia’s a softie, and you need a fucking break Jongdae.” Baekhyun’s voice is stern and it barely leaves room for argument. Jongdae thinks of a hundred things he could say in response, but for some reason nothing comes out. “Just sleep a little longer and we can go to the rink later.”

Jongdae doesn’t argue but he pulls out his phone to text the others at the very least. As he’s shooting off a message to Ten, Baekhyun snatches the phone out of his hand.

“Just sleep.” Baekhyun starts rubbing circles into his back. Jongdae is lulled back to sleep in minutes.

By the time the two of them stumble out of bed, it’s already noon and Junmyeon is long gone to work. Baekhyun sits him down at the island and gets to work in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m cooking for you. Apparently people love a man who can cook,” Baekhyun shrugs with a twinkle in his eye. “Jongdae Kim, you’re going to fall for me today.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes, fighting a smile. “And what exactly are you going to be making for me?”

Baekhyun rummages through his pantry and fridge. A frown appears on his face as he slowly realizes that there isn’t much to work with.

“What do you two even eat?” Baekhyun’s expression looks almost offended, and Jongdae has to keep himself from laughing.

“We’re two bachelors in our twenties, what else do you expect?”

“I was a bachelor in my twenties until you came along, and my fridge has never looked like this,” Baekhyun frowns. Jongdae’s jaw drops.

“What did you just say?”

“Hmm?” Baekhyun’s eyes are twinkling mischievously. “Nothing at all. How do fried eggs sound?”

After shocking Jongdae into silence, Baekhyun doesn’t wait for an answer as he begins preparing a meal for two. Jongdae checks finally checks his phone and begins responding the series of concerned text messages in his inbox.

 

_Ten [6:00 AM]: Yo, where are you?_

_Samuel [8:30 AM]: Dae is everything okay?_

_Ten [8:40 AM]: Dude, what the fuck. Where the fuck did you go, what the hell??_

_Samuel [9:00 AM]: Ten can you please stop swearing? JONGDAE ARE YOU OKAY???_

_Jongdae [1:00 PM]: SORRY, I’m okay. I slept in and took a little break today._

_Ten [1:01 PM]: Thank the fuck. Good, you need it. Hope you enjoyed your cuddle fest with Baekhyun._

_Jongdae [1:01 PM]: Excuse me, what?_

_Ten [1:01 PM]: I’m not an idiot, man give me some credit._

_Samuel [1:02 PM]: Guys calm down, stop fighting :(_

 

Jongdae rolls his eyes at his friends. Maybe he wasn’t being as subtle as he thought he was.

Baekhyun is somehow able to make fried eggs and toast taste like a meal meant for kings. He drags the meal longer by making meaningless conversation, distracting Jongdae from all the things that he’s been losing sleep over. By the time they clean up and head out of the house, Jongdae feels lighter than he has in a long time.

By the time they finally arrive at the rink, everyone already was off training individually. The two of them go beg for Yulia’s forgiveness.

“Jongdae, as much as I wish you had told me earlier to save me from worrying, you’ve been pushing yourself too hard lately,” Yulia chides. “I’m glad you took some time off, you deserve it.

“And you, Baekhyun this is the third time you’ve done this since you’ve begun training here, would it kill you to send me a text?”

Yulia lectures Baekhyun for another couple minutes, and then leaves Jongdae with a warning against spending too much time on the ice.

Baekhyun and Jongdae have the entire rink to themselves, and they warm up with a few casual laps. Jongdae realizes that the two of them never really talked about what was going on between them. Jongdae wonders if now is the time to ask.

“How are you feeling?” Baekhyun asks him. Jongdae shrugs in response. He doesn’t know the answer to that question.

“Scared, confused, a little demotivated? Should I continue?”

“You need motivation?” Baekhyun’s trademark smirk reappears for the first time in a while.

He tugs on Jongdae’s wrist and brings them chest to chest, close enough to whisper in his ear. Jongdae freezes. “Beat me at Seattle and maybe we can work something out.”

Jongdae can feel Baekhyun’s lips touching the shell of his ear. Before he can react, Baekhyun places a light kiss right behind his ear and it sends a shiver down Jongdae’s spine.

“And if I don’t?” Jongdae whispers.

“That’s for me to decide and for you to find out.” Baekhyun’s hand leaves his wrist and strokes lightly down his back, before lightly grabbing his ass. Jongdae’s breathing speeds up, and before he can respond Baekhyun steps away and continues skating.

“You coming or are you just going to stand there?”

Jongdae regulates his breathing and speeds to catch up with Baekhyun. He still doesn’t know how he feels, but he hopes to god nobody just saw what happened between them.

 

 

-

 

 

“So, what exactly is going on between you two?” Luna asks.

“We haven’t really talked about it...?” Jongdae is lying down on Sehun’s lumpy dorm couch and staring at the ceiling.

“Sounds fake,” Sehun deadpans, eyes focused on the TV screen where he’s playing Mario Kart.

“Sehun, what does that even mean?” Jongdae rolls his eyes.

“Worry about yourself, okay?” Sehun shrugs. He’s been over sensitive for some reason, and Jongdae is pretty sure that Junmyeon going on a tinder date had something to do with it.

“Sehun, have you considered maybe hanging out with some guys your own age,” Luna sighs. Sehun just huffs and keeps his eyes focused on his game. “Why did I get stuck with the two of you for friends, you are both hopeless at romance.”

“Jongdae, you need to talk to Baekhyun, like, yesterday.” Luna sighs. “And Sehun, you need to get your ass off the ground and put yourself in front of other people instead of a TV. I’m so done with the both of you.”

“How are we supposed to be a couple and rivals at the same time?”

“Is there really anything about the two of you that doesn’t scream couple already? The only thing that will change is that you would have _talked_ about it and you’ll stop groaning at the ceiling existentially.”

Luna was probably right, but Jongdae has never been the kind of person that takes leaps of faith.

“Promise me that you’ll at least try, okay?” Luna urges.

“Okay, I promise.”

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae takes deep breaths in the waiting room, The Imitation Game blasting through his headphones. He has always found peace in listening to his program music right before a competition. Something about it reminds him that no one knows this performance better than he does.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Baekhyun and Ten warming up. They are set to skate one after the other, so they were forced to share warm up facilities. It should be awkward, but for some reason it doesn’t feel that way. He stays in his bubble and doesn’t let anything else get to him.

When Ten leaves the warmup room to go on standby, Jongdae starts lacing up his skates. As he looks up, he locks eyes with Baekhyun. The gaze holds steady for almost a minute, and they feed each other silent encouragement until Baekhyun breaks it and turns away.

Jongdae has contemplated for hours what it would mean to be romantically involved with Baekhyun while still acting as his strongest rival, and he thinks he’s finally starting to understand. They both wanted the best for each other, but they also hoped for better for themselves. Jongdae doesn’t think that he could ever resent Baekhyun for beating him, and he knows Baekhyun feels the same way.

Their affection for each other was the source of support, and their rivalry pushed them to do better every day. It’s everything an athlete could dream of, and frankly, Jongdae doesn’t know what they’ve been scared of for so long.

By the time Jongdae goes on ice to perform, he’s blissfully ignorant of every skater that competed before him. He reminds himself that the only thing he’s here to do is show people the beauty of this short program. Something that they didn’t have the chance to see in Bergen. As the opening notes to the song play, he gives himself to the audience and the music. With the crescendo comes his first quad, and he scrapes to hold onto it by a thread. His triple axle is perfection, as always and he lands the two quads following it without much of a problem. When he starts his step sequence, he’s lost in the story that is his program. His intricate footwork coupled with intense artistic expression brings the audience with him on the journey. When Jongdae hits the part of his program that he normally feels exhaustion creeping in, he’s shocked to realize that his energy is just building. He eagerly launches into his final two jumps and lands them cleanly, leaving only his spin sequence at the end.

When he steps out of his final spin and into his ending pose, the exhaustion hits him all at once. Jongdae hunches over to regain his breath. This may not have been the most flawless performance he could have given, but he did the program justice. There was only room for improvement from here.

When Jongdae makes it off the rink, both Junmyeon and Yulia are smiling brightly at him. There is no sense of dread creeping through him as he waits for his scores. He doesn’t remember feeling like that since his days in the Junior circuit.

He ends up with an 100.32, significantly better than last time, but nowhere near Baekhyun’s usual range. He was in first, but with Baekhyun, Yuta and Kyungsoo skating after him, there’s no telling what would happen. For now, however, Jongdae was proud of what he’s done today, and that’s all he really cares about.  

 

 

-

 

 

When Jongdae wakes up, Junmyeon is mulling around the room in what looks like an effort to pack up. There are clothes strewn everywhere and at the moment, more of Junmyeon’s things are on the floor than in the suitcase.

“Jun, what are you doing?” Jongdae groans, voice still heavy with sleep.

“Packing? What else would I be doing silly?” Junmyeon exclaims. “Anyways look at this.”

Jongdae is promptly hit in the face by a stack of paper.

“Junmyeon nobody reads the newspaper anymore what-” Jongdae flips the newspaper to the front and freezes. “That’s my face.”

“Yeah and the media isn’t roasting you for once, can you believe it?”

Jongdae rolls his eyes and begins reading.

 _“_ With a score of 223.23, Jongdae Kim from California has reached a season’s best at the Seattle Invitational. This score sets a new world record in the Men’s Free Skate category. _”_

“You’re on the front page, Dae,” Junmyeon grins. “That’s a pretty big deal.”

Jongdae studies the giant picture on the front cover of the paper. It was a still of him standing one level below Baekhyun with a silver medal in hand. After years of scraping his way back up to the top, Jongdae managed to land himself a spot on the podium and break a world record in one go.

He won’t deny the fact that he’s proud of himself, but a part of him can’t shake off the fear. Even when skating at his career best and breaking a world record, his combined score was still seven points off of Baekhyun’s.

Jongdae sighs and rolls out of bed, tucking the newspaper into his bag for safekeeping.

“When are we leaving?” Jongdae begins to gather his things for a shower. Junmyeon is oddly silent. When Jongdae turns to look, Junmyeon is wearing a sheepish expression.

“What did you do?” Jongdae groans. “I know that look.”

“How would you feel about leaving around midnight?” Junmyeon teeters.

“Jun, what the hell? I need to practice!”

“It’s just one night, Jongdae. I won’t get a chance to see him for months!”

“You want me to skip a day of practice so you can go on a second date with someone you just met on Tinder?” Jongdae is incredulous.

“He’s not just someone, okay? His name is Kris Wu and he’s successful and tall, and the conversation is just so easy, I haven’t felt like this in forever!” Junmyeon exclaims.

“How am I supposed to get home, Jun? We already spent an extra day here. Ten already left, and I have to make evening session.”

Junmyeon sighs. “Alright, fine, I understand. We can leave in an hour..”

Jongdae instantly feels bad. As much as he does really need to get back for training, he hates that Junmyeon has to constantly give up things for him.

“Maybe I could rent a car?” Jongdae attempts, simmering down.

“Jongdae, you haven’t touched the wheel in two years,” Junmyeon deadpans. “I’m not letting you do that for the sake of your own safety.”

“Okay, fine. Let me try asking the others.” Luhan came down to the competition with his girlfriend, and Jongdae crosses his fingers that they haven’t left yet.

 

_Jongdae [8:30 AM]: Yo, have you left yet? My brother’s tryna get some and i don’t wanna cockblock, ya feel?_

_Luhan [8:32 AM]: YEAH I KNOW HE TOLD ME. WITH YIFAN. YIFAN MY FRIEND. God that’s gross._

_Luhan [8:33 AM]: Anyway, yeah I left, like, half an hour ago. But don’t worry I’ve got you covered ;)_

_Jongdae [8:33 AM]: What?_

_Jongdae [8:34 AM]: Luhan what are you doing?_

_Jongdae [8:35 AM]: Luhan what do you mean?_

_Luhan [8:35 AM]: Patience grasshopper, you’ll see._

_Luhan [8:35 AM]:_ _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )_

 

 

_Baekhyun [8:40 AM]: Meet me by the front at 9:30_

_Baekhyun [8:41 AM]: Are you writing an essay? Those three dots are taunting me._

_Jongdae [8:42 AM]: Okay._

_Baekhyun [8:42 AM]: Anticlimactic. I was expecting you to give me at least three reasons why you didn’t need a ride from me._

_Jongdae [8:43 AM]: I hate you._

 

 

_Luhan [8:44 AM]: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )_

_Jongdae [8:43 AM]: I HATE YOU SO MUCH._

 

 

-

 

 

“You’re kinda scaring me.” Baekhyun glances towards Jongdae quickly.

“Keep your eyes on the road please,” Jongdae demands. Baekhyun swerves a little on purpose, and he screams in response. “I literally hate you.”

He has no idea how on earth he fell for this idiot.  

“You’re being more quiet than normal.”

“I’m just tired.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it,” Baekhyun sighs. “Jongdae, I don’t understand why you still assume that I don’t _know_ you. Stop trying to hide from me, it’s not going to work.”

“I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Jongdae dismisses.

“You don’t want to talk about it? Or do you just not want to talk about it with me?”

Baekhyun hits the nail right on the head. Jongdae stays silent.

“Jongdae, this is never going to work if you can’t talk to me,” Baekhyun murmurs.

“How am I supposed to talk to you about any of this?” Jongdae’s control over his feelings starts to loosen. “No matter how hard I try, you will always be _above_ me, Baekhyun. I don’t know how to love the one thing that’s standing in between me and everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

“I’m not standing in between anything, Jongdae. You’re just making that up in your head. I’m ready to hold your hand and cheer you on every step of the way. It’s just that you’re too damn caught up in the fact that I’ll be skating against you while I do it.”

“It’s different for you,” Jongdae scoffs. “You’re the king of figure skating, Baekhyun. I’m just some washed up juniors skater that never really made it.”

“You’re not allowed to say that when you have a goddamn silver medal in your hand. You aren’t going to succeed if you don’t stop beating yourself up all the time!”

Jongdae can hear the exasperation in Baekhyun’s voice.

“And you don’t know shit about what it’s like for me, Jongdae. Don’t forget that you were the best thing this sport had seen for three entire years. It used to be me standing under you on that podium. Did you just conveniently forget that?

“I know it’s not easy. I know what it’s like to pour everything you have into getting to the top, only to have someone beat you every single time. I know that because that’s what you were to me for three entire years.” Baekhyun’s grip tightens on the steering wheel.

“That was in juniors though, it doesn’t-”

“Don’t lie Jongdae, of course it matters.”

Baekhyun is right. Again. Jongdae is getting sick of having to admit that to himself.

“Maybe you’re right, and it is different for me,” Baekhyun considers. “I never looked at you like an obstacle. You were my motivation and my inspiration. I wanted to _be_ you. And it didn’t hurt that I had the biggest fucking crush on you. I’ve had one for as long as I can remember.”

Jongdae’s jaw drops.

“I still look up to you. Every one of us does. Nobody can tell a story on the ice like you do, and the amount of respect people have for that is unparalleled. Even I, the so-called king of skating, don’t get that kind of respect.”

“Respect doesn’t win gold medals,” Jongdae frowns.

“Maybe it doesn’t, but you’re obviously ready to change that,” Baekhyun says softly. “There’s nothing stopping you from coming after me.”

“Why doesn’t that scare you?” Perhaps that was why Jongdae was so insecure. Baekhyun had been so eager for Jongdae to try to beat him. Maybe there was a part of Jongdae that couldn’t help but still feel like he wasn't a legitimate threat.

“You push me to be better every day,” Baekhyun shrugs. “When we were in juniors, you pushed me to get better than you. And now that you’re back I finally feel like I have a _reason_ to skate again.

“Somewhere along the line, skating and my feelings for you just, I don’t know, became the same I guess.”

“There’s no way you’ve liked _me_ for that long. How? Why?” Jongdae can’t help but feel incredulous and insecure. He’s still reeling from Baekhyun’s confession.

Baekhyun chuckles. “I always find it funny when you tell other people to stop selling themselves short, because nobody does that more than you do.”

Jongdae leans back in his seat and exhales. Everything Baekhyun told him was making him feel  dizzy with confusion, but he knows that he needed to hear it.

“You might not realize how much attention you attract, but everyone loves you. Including me.”

Baekhyun reaches his hand over to hold Jongdae’s shaking one.

“Especially me.”

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae knew it was only a matter of time before he would find himself in a compromising situation. After the Very Big Talk, sneaking off to random corners of the rink to make out with Baekhyun had become a part of his daily routine.

Today, however, they were too lazy to sneak anywhere. Jongdae knew it was a bad idea, but when it comes to Baekhyun, there’s no winning.

“OH MY GOD, MY EYES,” Ten shrieks from behind where Baekhyun has Jongdae pressed up against the lockers.

“Well well well, look what we have here,” Luhan smirks. “We were going to invite you out for dinner, but it looks like you guys are having plenty of fun eating each other’s faces instead.”

“Was Baekhyun just grinding Jongdae into the lockers?” Samuel whispers to Ten, eyes wide. He looks scarred.

“Didn’t you guys go home?” Jongdae whines, head coming down to rest on Baekhyun’s shoulders. He stays behind Baekhyun because Samuel was most definitely correct about the grinding and Jongdae was in no shape to be seen by anyone right now.

“I wish we did,” Ten deadpans. “So, I’m assuming you guys aren’t coming.“

“At least not to dinner.” Luhan’s grin is downright evil.  

“I hate you,” Jongdae wails.

“Carry on without us for today,” Baekhyun grins sweetly. “We have some business to take care of here, and if you guys don’t leave in the next thirty seconds, I’m not above doing it in front of you.”

“Holy hell, you’re insatiable,” Luhan laughs. “He’s probably not joking, let’s get the fuck out.”

As soon as they’re gone, Jongdae lets out a loud groan.

“Ten’s never going to let me live this down.”

“Well then shut up so we can at least make getting caught worth it.” Baekhyun’s hands are under his shirt in a split second. Luhan was right, Baekhyun is insatiable.

Jongdae couldn’t be happier to indulge.

 

 

-

 

 

Being Baekhyun’s boyfriend is far from easy. Jongdae still struggles everyday with the idea of loving the one person he’s hell bent on outperforming.

The hardest days are when Jongdae does better than Baekhyun in practice. The sense of accomplishment mixed in with a nagging feeling of guilt leaves Jongdae lost in his head. Sometimes it’s difficult for even Baekhyun to break through the immediate walls that go up.

Jongdae is sitting on a bench in the locker room with his head in his hands when Baekhyun finds him.

“What can I do to make you feel better?” Baekhyun sits next to him and rubs his back slowly.

“This should be the other way around,” Jongdae frowns.

“Maybe if I was the one that was having an emotional breakdown, but look, I’m fine,” Baekhyun sighs. “Would you care to explain why you aren’t?”

“I feel guilty.” It’s a constant battle for Jongdae to force himself to be honest with Baekhyun. He’s started to realize that being honest with someone else means that he has to be honest with himself first. “I should be supporting you and helping you up when you fall. I shouldn’t be _happy_ when I can land a quad and you don’t.”

Baekhyun pulls Jongdae into his arms. “You’re allowed to be happy when you do well, Jongdae. Even if it’s at my expense. We can compete and support each other at the same time, just remind yourself that.”

Jongdae nods and relaxes into Baekhyun’s hold. He winds his arms around the other’s neck and pulls him closer.

“Baekhyun?”

“Hmm?”

He glances up and meets Baekhyun’s eyes. There’s nervousness churning in his stomach, but he has to say it.

“I love you.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen impossibly. He blinks a couple of times, and Jongdae swears he can see them get a little glassy. His arms tighten around Jongdae.

They stay like that until the rest of the boys come in and yell at them to get a room. Jongdae uncurls himself from Baekhyun, but the smile on his face doesn’t fade.

As they sit next to each other during dinner, Jongdae realizes that even though he might not have all the answers, being with Baekhyun felt more right than anything he’s felt in a while.

And maybe for now, that was enough.

 

 

-

 

 

Jongdae takes a deep breath and stands up, skates securely tied on his feet. Before he turns away, he spares one last glance at Baekhyun, who meets his eyes instantly. Baekhyun smirks a bit and mouths something at him.

 _Let’s see what you can do_.

Jongdae chuckles to himself and turns away.

As he skates to the center of the rink, he can hear the crowd roaring for him. People chant his name and cheer him on. For the longest time, the sound was another source of burden on Jongdae’s shoulders. Now, however, he lets the energy of the crowd course through him.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When the opening notes Divenire play around him, Jongdae gives in to the music.

He’s never been more ready for anything in his life, and it feels damn good.  

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, share and kudos if you enjoyed this!! <3


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